Ms. Smith Goes to Court

The latest excerpt of "Kelly's an Idiot":

I went to the New Westminster Law Courts at the beginning of August to fight a parking ticket I received back in March. You see, back in March when I got this frickin' ticket, I was so mad about it that I was all "I'm gonna fight this - there's no way I'm paying it! It's not the money, it's the principal". Right.

So half a year later, I finally get my day in court - and do ya think I've got the balls to do this? I've never EVER gotten a traffic ticket before. I've only been in one accident, and it wasn't my fault. And I'm the type that would normally just tuck my tail between my legs and pull out the chequebook. But this time, I wasn't going to. No way - this was not my fault.

So I leave work at about 9:30 to be there by 10:00. I had to allow myself some time because I knew (from being in Family Court there recently) that the Pickton trial was going on and I'd have to wait and get my bag searched an all that fun stuff. I took all the stuff out of my bag that I knew would get taken away (my camera, my phone with the camera, my dictation - no recording devices! - and my multi-tool which could be used as a weapon but I only have it in my purse for the corkscrew) and shove it under the driver's seat. I arrive with about 7 minutes to wait outside the courtroom. There are cops walking around everywhere - other people are fighting traffic violations and stuff - and they're talking with the people they gave the tickets to so they can agree on something before they go in. My guy isn't there. I'm thinking - great, he didn't show up, my argument and pictures are a waste, but the ticket will be withdrawn so that's fine. One of the younger cops smiles and says hi to me. I try not to look nervous. Then they announce that court is about to begin and we can go in.

We file in, one at a time, and I have to state my name to the judge as I enter and then there are two long benches to sit on. I sit at the front, trying to look all ballsy, holding my head high, in my dress pants and sweater and my brand new leather bag that my dad had just bought me for work. I'm the only woman in there, aside from the Judge.

A couple people go up, do their thing - then it's the 3rd guy, and I see him. The guy that gave me the ticket. I know it's him. I guess I should give you the circumstances now: I was in training for my job, and we went out on a claim. I parked my vehicle in the same spot that my co-worker had parked just a couple days before. While we're at the claim, I went outside (I had stepped on a nail and went out to the light to see if it actually went into my foot). And there was a bylaws guy about to give a parking ticket to the lady that owned the building we were in. So I ran out there and stopped in and said that she'd move her car - I was all sweet and apologetic so he said that was fine, as long as the car was moved right away. Then, half an hour later I go to my car and lo and behold I have a ticket. I just knew it was the same guy that I stopped from giving that other lady a ticket. So I was mad. So that's how I knew what the guy looked like.

When he was done with the other parking ticket, he turns to me and says "Kelly?" I nod and he asks me to step out to the hallway and talk with him. I jump up - I'm nervous as hell - and follow him outside. We talk, we laugh (because I told him the story and he even remembered me) and he says he can reduce my ticket to $20. I said fine and we go back in. ~whew~ Relief. Until I sit down...

Now lets sidebar again - a little while ago, I got this little tin of mints at a work function. I had the tin in my purse. It's a cheap tin - the one day I finally decided to open it and have a mint, I can't get it open so I have to pry it. After that, the lid didn't fit on it anymore and it basically came apart and dumped all these little white mints in my purse. They look like little pills.

Well, in my nervous angst to jump up and go out into the hall with the bylaw guy, I guess a few of these "pills" flew out of my purse and landed on the deep red carpet in the courtroom. Remember I was sitting at the front? Everyone could see these little white "pills" on the RED floor.

When I came back in, the old guy that was sitting next to me points to them. So I bend down and frantically try to pick them up and put them back in my purse. And then he says "Is this your crack-cocaine?" and starts laughing.

I told him no that they were mints and did he want one.

He says "No, I don't do drugs".

Then he says "Your crystal meth?".

Embarrassed laughter followed.

I wanted to die.

When I was done with my moment with the judge, I couldn't have gotten out of there fast enough. My face was probably the colour of the carpet.